Learning to rest...

I am learning in this season of increased rest and greatly decreased productivity, two things:

One, I view my daily life in a legalistic way. This was actually quite shocking to me. I have been living as though I believe that God, my husband and the rest around me see more value in me and love me more or less based on my accomplishments. If this is so in my practical life, then how must it be in my view of my spiritual life, of my soul's state in God's eyes? Have I been trying to add to what Christ has already done for me? Even though I know in my head that this is impossible and wrong, I have subtly slid into living that way. I am in a season where God has called me to do less, not more. I didn't realize the pride I put in my clean house, my hot dinner, my to-do list being checked off, until now when those things are often unable to happen. So I'm grateful for this time of learning to humbly rest and trust God's provision for the small, daily tasks, as well as the large and eternal.

I'm still learning this--many days I pout at my desires being thwarted and I feel condemnation for not being "a good wife and mommy." But slowly, as God works in and speaks to my heart, I am feeling a change. A contentment. A realization that He loves me no less or more based on what I do. A greater desire to submit and even find great joy in this season of resting and waiting for my baby to finish growing.

Secondly, and kind of in response to the first, I am learning more about seeing God in everything--in all the details. In the dirty dishes and the tantrum Jack is throwing, in the contractions that send me to bed and the laundry piling up. I think I've always been pretty good at seeing God's hand in the beautiful and happy things of life and even in the big, scary, life-changing events that send you falling on your face to Him. But in the little frustrations, I often forget to look for Him. I don't view the daily stressful or annoying things as instruments through which He is working in me.

So, I am grateful for this season. Those early labor signs and the required resting that has followed were tools God was using to gently wake me up to areas in my life that were not being lived out in light of the gospel. He works in me because He loves me and what I do accomplish is due to that outpouring of love and grace in my life, not the other way around. What a loving Father we have and what freedom and joy there is in knowing that through Christ, I am forever His child and nothing I do--or don't do--or can't do--can change that.

That is where I can find true rest.